Dangerous. Thrilling. Exciting. Selfish. Fearful. What am I doing?!
How can it be so difficult to make the decision that you know you need to make?
“I’ll keep you my dirty little secret”
I want this. I wish I was okay with it completely. But I’m scared of what it will do to me, to you, to our separate futures.
Grieving. It is such a process. Am I allowed to not like it? I’m thankful it’s not a complete death. But that doesn’t change it it’s still hard. I wonder if he still finds it hard.
I miss companionship. There is no other relationship in life like these ones. You can’t replace them. I never knew what I was missing until he came along. I wasn’t with the first boy long enough for it to develop. But now I’ve known what it can be like and I miss that. There is like this gap in my life now. I don’t know how to fill it. I keep praying that God will. And I know He is enough for me right now. But there is still that longing, that desire.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to walk my life with someone else. I want to love someone with all I am. To support and take care of someone.
Oh Lord. Satisfy my desire and longing. Please. Bring peace and contentment. Heal my broken heart. Heak his too.
And God……bring me the man that I’m suppose to spend the rest of my life with. Please. But until then may I be satisfied in You alone.
I love that city. It was a good weekend away. I miss the girls who know me deeply and love me unconditionally. But I don’t miss going to Moody or living in dorms really. I was excited to realize that! 
I didn’t expect the memories that came back though. I walked into my old dorm room and was set up like we had it. Memories of late night phone convos and skype dates came flooding back. It was hard.
But in ways I think i’m doing better. I started counseling. I’m excited to work through issues and become healthier.
I’m still lonely. I still miss having a boyfriend. I still miss getting to tell someone everything about my life and have someone care if I work late. But. I’m okay. I haven’t cried in a couple of days!
So why then am I still not sleeping through then night?
Ever feel like you can’t even ask God for forgiveness because you don’t feel like you deserve it?
<sigh> I know that’s not true but it’s how I feel. Shame. Guilt. Regret. It could have been worse I tell myself. Just learn from it and move on. Easier said then done.
I fear never getting over this. It’s tormenting me. And me alone.
I’m tired of tears. I’m tired of wearing waterproof mascara all the time because I never know when they will come. I’m tired of sitting at my desk and some song comes on that has memories attached to it and the waterfall begins. I’m tired of laying my head down on my bed and the memories that come flooding into my head that then result in the tears flooding down my cheeks. sigh. I thought I was doing good. I thought I was moving on just fine. Until this week. I feel like I went backwards.
I want him back. I want the guy that I fell in love with back. sigh. I cried on the phone last night with Cami and telling her how much I was missing him and how struggling with just wishing we were still together. She told me to not forget the good memories but remember what the memories were the last couple of months. That there were some good ones but many hard and unhappy ones. And do I really want that back? She’s right. I don’t. It hurt too much.
But it hurts now too. sigh. I will make it. I will get through this. One day my heart will heal and be whole again. I’m just impatient.
So the attempt at morning devotions/time with God has started. I didn’t even really mean to start it today. It just happened. I didn’t feel good and didn’t feel like putting effort into my hair and makeup so I ended up with extra time. But thus I am determined to make this a habit. Morning time with the Lord.
Realize something this morning. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve known this but today I think it just really was in my face and forced me to openly admit it to myself. I am afraid to trust God. I have become afraid to dream and hope. I am afraid to throw myself into anything. I am afraid to let myself completely invest and love people with all my heart. In many ways I have become afraid to be excited about the future. Why? Because I am afraid of disappointment and being let down. There have been several huge things in my life the past 5 years that I allowed myself to dream about, to get excited about, to create visions of ministry within and in one way or another all of those doors close or it comes to an end. And it hurt. It was painful. These weren’t things that I didn’t seek the Lord on. These weren’t things that I entered or thought about lightly. That’s what made it harder. Dreams ended. Relationships ended. Friendships ended. My heart was crushed. And I am disappointed. There is a sense that I’ve been betrayed. Why would I want to trust someone who seems to not come through? Why would I want to give my all to things when I only seem to be battered and bruised in the end?
I feel shame in feeling this way. I’m embarrassed. I should be stronger. I should have more faith. I shouldn’t question God the way I am. I should be thankful for the good things in life. I should remember that others have gone through worse that really my life isn’t so bad. That pain is part our sinful world so just accept it and grin and bear it and move on. And all these thoughts just make me feel more guilty for feeling the way I do.
I’m scared. Scared of allowing myself to dream again. Scared of allowing myself to love again. Scared of trusting Him completely. Because it seems when I do I just end up back in this place with my heart a little more battered and bruised.
I’ve really been struggling with what to do with my life right now. What’s my goal? What’s my focus? Where do I go from here? For all of you who know me….know I’m not patient. Know that I like to have a focus, a dream, a vision to have in sight. I didn’t realize how many of my current dreams/visions involved being a military wife until after the break up. I’m not saying God may not have that in store for me somewhere down the future but right now it’s not apart of it. So what now? I love my current job but is this where I want to be in 20 years? Friday night I was at the Mill and I’m not entirely sure why this stuck out to me the way it did but this verse was said somewhere in the sermon……
Deuteronomy 6:5 “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”
I’ve heard this verse thousands of times but this time I just got the sense of God telling me that this is what He wants me to focus on right now. Learning to love God like that. I was frustrated. I know that’s probably bad. But it’s not something you can measure success in. It’s a goal that I’ll spend my entire life working towards. But that’s what I want right? I want something I can focus on? So, why did I find that frustrating? And what does that look like?
But at the same time, I want that. I want to grow in my love for God and others. I want to become someone that people look at and remembers as someone who is soley in love with the Lord. I hate this breakup. I hate the drama of it. I hate the pain and the process. I’m impatient. I want everything to be normal and fine and good friends RIGHT NOW. But what I do love is how it’s forced me to run to Jesus. It’s made me aware of how much I need Him and others. It’s made me thankful for community and has shown me how much more I need to be community for people. It’s helped me remember that the only one who is ever going to completly fill my heart and longings is the Lord and the love of a man will never be greater than it.
God has someone special for me. One day. But that’s not today. Today i’m to focus on loving Him with all that I am and learn how to do it better on a daily basis. Today I’m to focus on loving and serving others. Today I’m to continue on the journey of falling more in love with my Savior. And when that “one day” happens…..none of this will changed. That will still be the focus but instead in that “one day” I’ll have someone to walk that journey with.
I’m lonely.
But what am i lonely for? What am I really missing? The relationship that just ended? Or what that relationship used to be?
I want to walk life with someone. I want to be someone’s last call of the day again. I want to know that there is someone there who really cares about the little details of my day. I want to be pursued and cherished. I want that best friend to hang out with and do nothing with.
<sigh> I miss the companionship. I miss feeling like what I do after work matters to someone. I’m not sure I’d even really be missed anymore.
I want God’s timing in my life. I want to be content with where He has me. I want to live life to the full. I want more of God. But with all of that……the deep desire in my heart is that I still want someone to love and be loved in return. Lord, grant me patience.
I feel disrespected. Sure. I shouldn’t have texted you what I did. i should have said it to your face. But you blanked me. I texted again to tell you that I know I shouldn’t have but yet I miss my best friend. And. You ignored me. I haven’t heard from you since.
Do you know how that makes me feel? Like you don’t care how i feel, like I ment nothing to you. Space and time is good and needed. But could you have given me the respect to tell me that instead of just like cutting all communication off? How am i suppose to act when I see you next?
<sigh> on top of all this. I hate it. I hate that I miss you so much. I hate that it makes me so mad your texting her again. I know it’s not romantic. But I just feel like your replacing me without a thought. You’ll never read this. You don’t care enough.
I still love you. I still think about your arms around me. And your hugs. And those times during our relationship that you made me feel so wanted and loved. My memories are tormenting me. I loved you so deeply. I loved you so selflessly at times. I loved you with all my heart. I don’t think you loved me the same. And I’m not sure what hurts more. The break up? Or knowing that?
He called it. I didn’t fight it. I’ve been praying despertly that God would give him the words. I’m too much of a fighter to just let go on my own. I wanted this. I wanted him. I wanted it to work. I moved out here for him.
But I know this is right. I know this is over. For good. He says he still cares. He wants us to be best friends. He still wants to be here for me. I’m trying to believe that. I want to believe it. I want him to miss me. I wonder if he does.
He is going to make a girl so happy when he comes to a place in his life where he is fully ready to commit to her and put her above himself. She will be a lucky girl. But thus…that girl won’t be me.
Why is trying to find a new normal pace of life so hard?
