My head and my heart both know now….

I hate when my head knows something but my heart hasn’t caught up. This past weekend it did. And I saw. I felt. I knew.

We had coffee. Four hours. Talked about so much. Discussed everything else. That no matter if this goes somewhere or not, it showed me. He wasn’t right. He couldn’t be the man I need someone to be. He wasn’t right for me. How could I connect with someone else right away on levels so dear to me that I never did with him? And it was over a year. I knew all this in my head but my heart was still struggling to catch up.

And now there is this guy who is pursuing me. And I am not sure what I want. And I’m scared and terrified. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to rebound. And I don’t know him well at all. But I’m intrigued. I’m curious. He’s confident and charming. And knows what he wants in life. And is assertive. He asked me out for our “first official” date and obviously thought through where he wanted to take me and what to do. I have had very very few dates like the one he’s planning. I feel special.

There is an extra spring to my step and smile to my face. And I’m thankful. Thankful that God waited until I was really seeking Him with all my heart. I don’t know whats going to happen and that’s okay. I just am thrilled to feel a bit more like me again.

But on the other hand. I’m still sad for him.  I still care, not in love but care. He always said he’d be excited if  started dating someone else. He said he’d be happy for me. But then why didn’t he respond when i told him? Sadness. I hope he’s okay but of course  Ican’t ask and of course he wouldn’t tell.

Northern Ireland. Youth Work.

I miss those days. A dear friend is over there for a semester and we got to skype for a few minutes this morning. Oh how I wish I was with her. I miss there. A lot somtimes. Such good memories. Hard ones too but those may be some of my favorite years of my life to date.

I’ve missed doing youth work a lot lately. I’ve started volunteering with the local Young Life area and am REALLY enjoying it so far. There is just something about having the opportunity to speak into teens lives and show them Jesus that thrills me like nothing else.

Done. For good.

Pain. Tears. Hurt. Abandonment. Wow. I’m not sure there was emotion in that conversation. Moving on. For good. Every feel like someone says they are doing something for you but actually feel like they are doing it more for them? Frustrating. Be a jerk. And be proud of it. Whatever. I wish more for you and know you could be more. But live your little bitter, angry life and treat people like shit. You don’t even see how much you hurt people and it makes me sad. You can be so much more. But I need to stop caring. It’s not my job anymore. And I’m starting to believe that I am better off without you. Really. You are not what I want. I want someone who will love me. Really love me. You did not. And that hurts. A lot. I wish you the best. I hope you grow up and realize how much your actions hurt others. I hope one day you are able to love someone the way that they deserve. And the bitter angry part of me hopes that one day you will realize what you lost in me.

I’m done. No more writing about you. No more thinking about you. No more. You broke my heart. Several times. And today I am really mad at you for that. Because you don’t even seem to care.

“All the time wasted on you. All the bullshit you put me through. I use to be love drunk. Now I’m hung over. Loved you forever. Forever is over. Say hello to goodbye.”

Cycles.

I’m tired of this cycle. Tired of the tears. Tired of the heartache. Tired of the lonliness. It will be good for a few days and sometimes weeks and then it all crashes down around me. Like yesterday.

Pain. Lonliness. Sadness. I miss having someone who will hold me and let me cry in their arms. Why does my heart believe that life would be so much better and easier if there was someone? My head knows that’s not true.

I want to live a vivid life. I want it to mean something. I want to make a difference. It’s just hard for me to get out of this runt I’ve somehow found myself in. Some days I wonder what is the point of living anymore. It’s like there are those days I can’t see beyond myself and I hate that God.

I don’t even know how to cry out to God anymore cause  I feel like he can’t hear me.

Transition

I’m tired of transition. I’m tried of feeling like I don’t completely fit anywhere. I guess i feel like this a lot. I’m sure it’s not different then a lot of people. But why is it more intense now? It because I’m not involved with anything that has really captured my heart or is a goal for me to work towards or a focus? I had school. I had my youth work in Northern Ireland. I had a future with him that I was looking forward to and excited about. But now what? I’m trying. Trying to be content. Trying to live one day at a time. I don’t want to miss what God has for me in the now. But it’s frustrating when I feel like all I do is cry out to God to help me and I still feel the same. I know there are no quick fixes and life isn’t terrible and I do really enjoy some days. I just miss the constant excitement of life I use to have. But did I really? Or am I just remembering it that way?

I am still lonely but not sure that will ever go away. I really miss dating. I miss the excitement. I miss the getting dressed up someone. I miss the doing little things for someone. I miss taking care of someone. I really would love to meet someone. But I know it’s probably not God’s timing for me right now. I don’t think I’m over him yet but I think I really want someone to come along so that I get over him. Is that terrible?

I’m tired of the mundane. I’m ready for something different. Please Lord?

Playing with fire

Dangerous. Thrilling. Exciting. Selfish. Fearful. What am I doing?!

How can it be so difficult to make the decision that you know you need to make?

“I’ll keep you my dirty little secret”

I want this. I wish I was okay with it completely. But I’m scared of what it will do to me, to you, to our separate futures.

Longings

Grieving. It is such a process. Am I allowed to not like it? I’m thankful it’s not a complete death. But that doesn’t change it it’s still hard. I wonder if he still finds it hard.

I miss companionship. There is no other relationship in life like these ones. You can’t replace them. I never knew what I was missing until he came along. I wasn’t with the first boy long enough for it to develop. But now I’ve known what it can be like and I miss that. There is like this gap in my life now. I don’t know how to fill it. I keep praying that God will. And I know He is enough for me right now. But there is still that longing, that desire.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to walk my life with someone else. I want to love someone with all I am. To support and take care of someone.

Oh Lord. Satisfy my desire and longing. Please. Bring peace and contentment. Heal my broken heart. Heak his too.

And God……bring me the man that I’m suppose to spend the rest of my life with. Please. But until then may I be satisfied in You alone.

Chicago

I love that city. It was a good weekend away. I miss the girls who know me deeply and love me unconditionally.  But I don’t miss going to Moody or living in dorms really. I was excited to realize that!

I didn’t expect the memories that came back though. I walked into my old dorm room and was set up like we had it. Memories of late night phone convos and skype dates came flooding back. It was hard.

But in ways I think i’m doing better. I started counseling. I’m excited to work through issues and become healthier.

I’m still lonely. I still miss having a boyfriend. I still miss getting to tell someone everything about my life and have someone care if I work late. But. I’m okay. I haven’t cried in a couple of days!

So why then am I still not sleeping through then night?

Shame.

Ever feel like you can’t even ask God for forgiveness because you don’t feel like you deserve it?

<sigh> I know that’s not true but it’s how I feel. Shame. Guilt. Regret. It could have been worse I tell myself. Just learn from it and move on. Easier said then done.

I fear never getting over this. It’s tormenting me. And me alone.

Tears.

I’m tired of tears. I’m tired of wearing waterproof mascara all the time because I never know when they will come. I’m tired of sitting at my desk and some song comes on that has memories attached to it and the waterfall begins. I’m tired of laying my head down on my bed and the memories that come flooding into my head that then result in the tears flooding down my cheeks. sigh. I thought I was doing good. I thought I was moving on just fine. Until this week. I feel like I went backwards.

I want him back. I want the guy that I fell in love with back. sigh. I cried on the phone last night with Cami and telling her how much I was missing him and how struggling with just wishing we were still together. She told me to not forget the good memories but remember what the memories were the last couple of months. That there were some good ones but many hard and unhappy ones. And do I really want that back? She’s right. I don’t. It hurt too much.

But it hurts now too. sigh. I will make it. I will get through this. One day my heart will heal and be whole again. I’m just impatient.