All I want is to be content. All I want is to desire the things that God wants for me, to enjoy the place he has me in life, to want more of Him and less of me, to be okay alone.
Why is this so hard for me to grasp and hold on to? Why does my mind go to the past and wish some things were the way they use to be?
Course doesn’t help when his facebook says “looking for dating, a relationship”. I think I felt slapped in the face. So much for God calling him to be single. So much for our breakup not anything else. Fighting those feelings of wondering what was wrong with me, what did I do and why was i not enough. Yet again.
I HATE THAT! Why do I believe those stupid lies?! Why do I allow myself to dwell on them. I am enough. My value and worth does not come from a guy deciding i’m worth fighting for. My value and worth comes from that I am a child of God.
I wish I could believe that just as easy as it is to type.
And then there is the other him who’s been haunting my dreams lately and thus my thoughts. Please someone tell me you eventually let go of the first love and the first real deep hearbreak? PLEASE! I don’t understand why I still think about it and miss those times. I wonder though if it’s more I miss caring that deeply and taking care of someone like that…… cause I have never loved like I loved him. I know I will…hopefully….one day again. I just really enjoyed loving someone like that. A lot.
So here I am. Still with the same heart struggles… hoping that one day I’ll get it. One day.
