I’ve been reading Ecclesiastes lately and these two verses kinda gave me a slap across the face.
“I tried to understand all that happens on earth. I saw how busy people are, working day and night and hardly ever sleeping. I also saw all that God has done. Nobody can understand what God does here on earth. No matter how hard people try to understand it, they cannot. Even if wise people say they understand, they cannot; no one can really understand it.”
I try to understand things all the time. Why is the world like it is? Why are people to hateful towards one another? Why did my friend from high school lose her baby when she was 5 months pregnant? Why do I have to watch those I love go through heartache after heartache and struggle after struggle? Why does it seem the rich are nasty and the poor too?
And then don’t get me started on my personal life…..why did God take Northern Ireland out of my life when I dedicated so much time and energy there? Why has he not restored some relationships that were damaged there? Why did he even allow them to become damage when to this day I”m still unsure how that happened? Why am I still 27 and single? Why did he allow me to fall in love with a guy and move to a different state for him only to have my heart shattered and go through the most painful experience of my life? Why am I still in that state?! Why have a I yet to find the really deep community that I long for? Why do I still struggle with insecurity after insecurity? Why can’t I be a better daughter/sister/friend?
Questions. Questions. And more questions.
But I wont ever understand. I wont ever have all the answers. No matter how wise I become or how many years I live or how many times I think I finally understand and get it. Something will happen that will once again remind me that I am incapable of understanding all the ways that God works.
So, what now? Trust. Trust that God is good. Trust that He loves me. Trust that He has a plan for me and this world. I’m reading Brennan Manning Ruthless Trust again and it’s rocking my world.
I’m lousy at trusting God. I like control. And trusting is the exact opposite of having control (not that I ever really had it to begin with).
Watch this space….I’m just a girl on a journey. A journey of learning and growing.
