I’ve decided to leave this wordpress world and move my blog to blogger

http://jesshilgnberg.blogspot.com/

See you there.

“I tried to understand all that happens on earth. I saw how busy people are, working day and night and hardly ever sleeping. I also saw all that God has done. Nobody can understand what God does here on earth. No matter how hard people try to understand it, they cannot. Even if wise people say they understand, they cannot; no one can really understand it.”

I try to understand things all the time. Why is the world like it is? Why are people to hateful towards one another? Why did my friend from high school lose her baby when she was 5 months pregnant? Why do I have to watch those I love go through heartache after heartache and struggle after struggle? Why does it seem the rich are nasty and the poor too?

And then don’t get me started on my personal life…..why did God take Northern Ireland out of my life when I dedicated so much time and energy there? Why has he not restored some relationships that were damaged there? Why did he even allow them to become damage when to this day I”m still unsure how that happened? Why am I still 27 and single? Why did he allow me to fall in love with a guy and move to a different state for him only to have my heart shattered and go through the most painful experience of my life? Why am I still in that state?! Why have a I yet to find the really deep community that I long for? Why do I still struggle with insecurity after insecurity? Why can’t I be a better daughter/sister/friend?

Questions. Questions. And more questions.

But I wont ever understand. I wont ever have all the answers. No matter how wise I become or how many years I live or how many times I think I finally understand and get it. Something will happen that will once again remind me that I am incapable of understanding all the ways that God works.

So, what now? Trust. Trust that God is good. Trust that He loves me. Trust that He has a plan for me and this world. I’m reading Brennan Manning Ruthless Trust again and it’s rocking my world.

I’m lousy at trusting God. I like control. And trusting is the exact opposite of having control (not that I ever really had it to begin with).

Watch this space….I’m just a girl on a journey. A journey of learning and growing.

So many random little phrases read or songs that touched my heart in one way or another that I was bursting to share or tell or process through with someone.

And it’s moments like that, moments like now, that I feel alone. I want my heart to be known and the things deep in to matter but why do I have such a hard time of sharing? I feel like I’m rambling when I try or that people don’t really care to listen and just to nice to say that. I’m not mad about that……It just doesn’t help with the strive to be content alone and single.

So until that day when someone special walks into my life and pursues to know these random thoughts of my heart…….it’ll be just me and my journal and I guess this blog too.

And dont get me started on the topic of guys. I don’t mind being single. I don’t have an unfilled life being alone. Sure I would LOVE to have that type of companionship and it is really lonely but I’m okay on my own. I WOULD like to know FOR SURE that I wont be alone forever. haha.

And….I would really love to know if this current little crush will develop into anything…that’s what inspired this post. My impatience of not knowing if this is ever going ANYWAY or even what he’s thinking. Instead of just enjoying the butterflies and excitement when I see him and the wondering of what his little flirting means and enjoying the moment… i’m desperately wanting to know if this will ever be more than this. I’m okay if it’s not and all we will be is friends and def WAY okay if it eventually developes into more. (hahaha…hello he’s hot and amazing and loves Jesus) I just WANT to know.

Sigh. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Guess I should get use to it right? I’ll always be waiting for something in life. Oh patience when will I learn to embrace you?!

“And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me in the sidewalk…cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile, get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down”

I want to be apart of bringing that change into the world.

But I cant be apart of that change until I believe it for myself.

How did this place become one where beauty has been determined by the size of your waistline and chest? Where 10 year old girls struggle with eating disorders because they think they are fat? Where 12 year olds are having sex because they want to feel loved and beautiful? When did we forget that real beauty is in the inside? And who decided what was beautiful and what wasn’t? And why are we a society of woman who just compare ourselves to each other ALL THE TIME?

I dream of a place where every woman can embrace and BELIEVE that she is uniquely beautiful and has something unique to offer the world that one one else does.

But first I need to believe that for myself.

Why am I not more excited at this chance? There is such hesitation in me. Is it cause I am so comfortable where I am? Is it cause my job is secure? Is it cause I know full time ministry is harder and less predictable? Is that it?

Lord, I need you to direct and lead me.

But why are they so hard to find? I’m having one of those days when I feel completely unknown. I don’t feel like talking about whats going on with me (which as many of you are aware of is not normal for me) because I don’t feel like people will get it or actually care too much to be honest. I long for deep heartful community that I’ve had in the past. I’ll watch and hear other people talk and interact with their spouses/boyfriends/best friends and long to enjoy the company of someone else that much AND HAVE IT BE MUTUAL and know that it’s mutual. I enjoy the company of a lot of people but never feel like it’s a two way street.

And why can’t my mind comprehend and grab on to the fact that the way I desire to be deep, close and intimate with someone and to be known and to know…….God feels that way towards me and wants that from me. My head hears that and can rationally understand and relate to that. But get to my heart and obviously it does now. Why is it so obvious you ask? Well, think about it……….

The God of the universe created me, designed me, sacrificed his own son for me displaying the depth of his love. This God desires to have a close and intimate relationship with ME! The all powerful mighty creature wants to be close and know ME deeply. He wants me to pursue and chase him the way I desire others to do to me. He wants me that much. All the things I feel and desire about relationships and community……He desires with me. If I knew that and i mean REALLY knew that in my heart…….would I not live different? Would I not seek Him more? Would I not run around telling everyone about this awesome person who wants me? I mean if this was a man in the flesh who had a romantic interest in me and I knew all those things about him…..wouldn’t I be jumping off the roof with excitement?

So, whats my problem? That is the question of today and probably every day for the rest of my life. What is my problem.

Why is this so hard for me to grasp and hold on to? Why does my mind go to the past and wish some things were the way they use to be?

Course doesn’t help when his facebook says “looking for dating, a relationship”. I think I felt slapped in the face. So much for God calling him to be single. So much for our breakup not anything else. Fighting those feelings of wondering what was wrong with me, what did I do and why was i not enough. Yet again.

I HATE THAT! Why do I believe those stupid lies?! Why do I allow myself to dwell on them. I am enough. My value and worth does not come from a guy deciding i’m worth fighting for. My value and worth comes from that I am a child of God.

I wish I could believe that just as easy as it is to type.

And then there is the other him who’s been haunting my dreams lately and thus my thoughts. Please someone tell me you eventually let go of the first love and the first real deep hearbreak? PLEASE! I don’t understand why I still think about it and miss those times. I wonder though if it’s more I miss caring that deeply and taking care of someone like that…… cause I have never loved like I loved him. I know I will…hopefully….one day again. I just really enjoyed loving someone like that. A lot.

So here I am. Still with the same heart struggles… hoping that one day I’ll get it. One day.

But I never seem to find the time……

I shall. Soon. I hope.

Not that anyone really reads this anymore though. I think I keep it more for me than anyone else.

Just tell me if something is up okay? Don’t make me play the guessing games. Don’t make me ask you time after time. Don’t dodge my questions.

Are you gonna be hot or cold? Make a decision and communicate with me!